So, I remember when I was first expecting my daughter, and I was reading all of these books about parenting. They all were telling me what the baby looked like in the “tummy,” at such and such weeks, and what the woman was feeling like, and all of this crap that DID NOT prepare me for what was to come. After reading these books and going to the parenting classes, I knew how to swaddle (wrap the baby up like a mummy in a blanket), change a diaper, and burp the baby, which is cool, but it’s sort of like taking a test and someone only gives you half of the information. So here’s what I learned:
1. Yes, your child will poop/pee through the diaper. In the REAL parenting world we call it explosive poop. It comes out of the diaper and can either travel up the childs back (onto that pretty shirt or outfit you put them in), or it can travel out of one of the legs. What does this mean for you? This means that if the kid is sitting on your leg, and if your response time is slow, or if you are unaware that your kid is going, this poop can now leak through and stain your pants. Believe me, I’ve seen it happen first hand (always pack a change of clothes).
2. Your child is 1 or under 1 and it’s Christmas. I’m not saying don’t buy them anything, but it’s almost completely a waste of money. Your little “prince,” or “princess” won’t be playing with that crap until their almost two years old. I have 2 kids, I made the mistake once, and never made it again. We all get caught up in being SUPER PARENT, which is cool and all, but they are more excited by the boxes, wrapping paper, and stuff like that. I would buy a few inexpensive presents, wrap up a bunch of empty boxes, you could even fill them up with old toys (I know this sounds horrible) and let your kid have a go at opening the boxes up. Then again you could always ignore me, buy a bunch of gifts, and watch them sit around for a year or so until your kid actually realizes what they are.
3. There are NO timeouts. When you are taking a poop, your child when old enough will come and talk to you. My son tries to climb up on my lap and hold a conversation with me, or hug me, or one time he even brought two swords in the restroom and we had a sword fight while I was pooping. It happens. No you can’t close the door while you are pooping because you have to be able to hear what is going on outside of the restroom. One time I went to pee when my daughter was younger, I was gone for less than 3 minutes, and upon my arrival back in the living room, she had taken off her diaper, smeared herself with poop (yes all in her hair, and all over), grabbed the remote control, and smeared poop all over the couch cushion. Expect the unexpected. Just because you need to do something, the game of life doesn’t stop their are no timeouts, your kids will follow you around forever, and this is why we LOVE nap time!!!
4. Your kid will be as cool or as dull as you make him/her. My son gives people “fist pounds,” high-fives people, and sometimes says, “What’s up!” You can teach these kids anything you want. You can make this mini person as awesome or as drab as you want, I choose to make mine AWESOME!!! (LMAO)! My 3 year old is also can count to 20, sing the alphabet song, and has a huge vocabulary (for a 3 year old), because I talk to him like a regular person. Just because they are babies, doesn’t mean you have to use baby talk. If you say bottle, or blanket, instead of “baba,” or “binkie,” they will in turn say bottle and blanket. If you want their vocabulary to grow, talk to them like you would any other person.
5. Don’t waste your money on stuff you don’t need. I did this with my first child. When my daughter was born, I bought all types of toys, and baby stuff that I thought I would need because it sounded logical, but I didn’t use hardly any of it, and she didn’t play with the toys until she was a year and a half almost. Remember, this is a poop, throw-up, and pee manufacturer. If you buy cream baby bedding, and strollers, expect it to get dirty quick. I recommend dark colored fabrics, and items that will stand the test of time. As your kid gets older he or she will also be eating in that stroller so he or she will also be spilling stuff all in that stroller.
6. This is just my personal preference. I wrestle with my son. I would much rather have an aggressive boy, then one that is scared, cries, or gets bullied. I have always wrestled with him, and thus he is pretty aggressive, and fearless. It’s easier for me to tell him to “chill out,” or to “calm down” then it would be for me to try to teach him to be aggressive later on in life. My daughter is not aggressive, so when she played soccer this year, she often did not go after the ball, and she typically isn’t going to ask someone if she can play with them if she doesn’t know them. Having experienced this, I raised my son to do the complete opposite. He says hello to everyone, and will immediately invite himself to play with other kids. This of course means that I have to watch him more, because he is so fearless of strangers, but for me it’s worth it.
7. Don’t over react when your kids fall. With both of my kids when they fell on the ground, I applauded. I said, “Yay, good job,” and I clapped. I didn’t run over and ask if they were ok, I didn’t act surprised, and I didn’t pick them up off of the ground. I clapped, and cheered them on, and they were fine. If you teach your kid that every time they fall it’s a big deal, they will act accordingly. My son has scraped his knee and been bleeding, and will continue to play. I of course will check it out, and bandage it up, but I don’t make a big deal over it. This way I know that when my kids cry, they are actually hurt, and not just reacting to a superficial wound. Sounds crazy, but it works.
8. Don’t go broke trying to be cute. If we are going to be 100% honest, there have been several times when I have bought my kids outfits from a store to take pictures in, and have taken the outfits back after the pictures were taken. That may sound a bit ghetto, or trifling, but my son doesn’t need an $85 dollar velvet sport coat. It looks cool in the pictures, but where else would he wear it to? There are also now places where you can sell your old clothes, and kids toys, or exchange them if you like, I am a huge fan of these places. I don’t get things that other kids may have put into their mouths, but I do find things like bikes, jogging strollers, and things of that nature in these places that have been gently used. I refuse to go broke trying to keep up with the Puff Daddy’s of the world. Kids require so little to keep them happy, we over complicate it.
9. Have fun. Quit trying to pretend like you are this unbreakable fortress, and go play with your kids. Get in the sand, explore, build sand castles, play with bugs, go fishing, and do exciting stuff. The more things you introduce them to the more they will grow. Remember that it’s all relative to age. I let my 3 year old hold caterpillars, and chase birds, and touch snakes at the pet store, and it totally blows his mind. It’s awesome to watch, and I encourage you to try it. It all depends on your comfort level, and the comfort level of your child. If you are scared of something, and don’t like it, don’t pass that on to your child. Let your child experience it, and decide for his or herself. For instance if you are afraid of snakes, don’t tell your child that snakes are yucky, or that they are gross, let them figure it out for themselves. This is a handicap that you have created for yourself don’t pass it on to your kids. Feed your kids all types of foods, and let them experience the world at an early age.
10. Take lots of pictures and print them out. You’d be surprised at how fast they grow, and how many moments can be captured. The problem is that now with smart phones we don’t print our pictures out. Spend the money to print these pictures out so that you can have them forever. If your computer crashes, or if your phone malfunctions, you don’t want to lose this little persons journey thus far!!
11. Encourage them to pretend. School teaches your child to be like everyone else, to fit the mold that society has set for us. The only reason why each of us is individually different is because of the training we get at home. Teach your kids to imagine, to create, to draw, to pretend, and they will grow to be so much more than the kids who are taught not to make messes, and not to do anything that normal kids do.
Until next time……take it easy,
Your pal,
Hip-hop Dad!!